Lost in the Stars

When I was a kid I had a recurring dream about being lost in stars. It wasn’t always exactly the same every time, but the theme was the same: I would be spinning around at night until I fell down, facing up. The world would feel like it was still spinning and pulsing from my spin as I laid there, staring up at the night sky. The stars filled the sky in an abundance that I never saw in waking life. There were colors and groups like the Milky Way but also like galaxies and large planets. The stars and planets were moving fast through the sky and I felt like I was getting lost in them. Sometimes I felt like I was rising up to them. Other times I would stand up and reach as high as I could, trying to touch them.

For as far back as I can remember I have felt like I was “not from here”. As a child, I never really knew exactly what that meant. All I knew was I didn’t feel I fit in with people. I got along fine with my parents and all.. I usually had at least one friend at school.. but I was different, I always was. At some point I figured the feeling of “not being from here” might mean I was from Mars. It seemed logical enough! Mars was right there, beside Earth. Maybe it used to be more like Earth, billions of years ago? I figured it could be true. I never really thought I was from Mars, but it was fun to think I was. I also got the feeling that I had a “family” of sorts that was “out there”, watching me from afar. It was never that I had any issues with my actual family.. it was just I had these strong feelings, these knowings, and I felt driven to hold on to them. I was nervous though, by these feelings, so I usually just thought of those others as “them”. “They” were out there. “They” would help me if I needed them to.

If I was quiet, I never felt alone. I loved just being by myself, reading or exploring or playing with my toys or my dog. I guess it was a good thing I was an only child who didn’t have a lot of friends.

When I was around 13 or so I had a very strange thing happen to me. I felt like I had a lump in my upper arm, near the back. It was solid, hard, not too big. But it was definitely real. My parents were at work and I was scared. I called my mom and she said to go to the doctor and have him take a look at it, so I did. He felt it and told me he didn’t know what it was. I forget how he said it exactly, but he didn’t hide the fact that there was a possibility it could be a tumor (he didn’t elaborate on benign or not). We were sent to a specialist. This time my mom went with me. The specialist was baffled! He had no idea what it could be. I forget if they took xrays or what they did, but in any case, he called it an enigma and made an appointment for us to go to the Children’s Hospital for further evaluation. The night before that appointment, I was very scared. As I tried to fall asleep, I kept repeating in my mind over and over that I wanted “them” to come and take away the lump. Please please, take it away! The next day we went to the appointment and the doctor there was very confused as to why we were there. There was no lump! There was nothing there! He could see the notes the other doctors had made, but it didn’t matter.. because there was nothing there.

I was convinced “they” had taken it away. I’m sure there could be a more scientific explanation (now that I’m older and more reasonable), but it really doesn’t matter. The feelings remain.

I had my own language as a child as well. I spoke it often to myself or my pets. I’d be the first to admit it doesn’t have any real “translation”. There’s no one word that I say that could be translated into an English equivalent. The language is more a rush of sounds put together to sound like words in response to feelings/thoughts. It’s very hard to explain. I can still speak it.

When I was in my early 20s I started to learn about various different spiritual, metaphysical, and just “different” thinkings and writings. I explored ideas about the soul, past lives, and such. I learned the term “starseed”. I wanted to learn about my past lives, I wanted to learn more about where I’d been before. For as long as I can remember I have loved dreams and been able to remember them and (at times) control them, so when I learned to ask for answers in dreams I started doing that.

I vividly remember a dream where I was in a brightly lit but old-looking stone building.. huge place, lots of big rooms and hallways with arched doorways leading off to more rooms. The stones were cream/light colored. There were two or three men standing near me, dressed in robes. They hadn’t seen me. There were tables filled with people behind me. The men were talking in another language, but I could understand them perfectly and spoke to them in that language too. They looked at me, shocked. “You know our language,” one said. “You are a VERY old soul.”

Another dream I was on a grassy hill with a forest behind me and a city’s twinkling lights in front of me. The sky was filled with stars and I wanted to know where I was from. There was a rocket (a bit like a toy rocket that could be fired off) on the ground in front of me and as I kneeled down to look at it, I could clearly see the word “SIRIUS” written on it.

So this is my story of why I think I’m from another world. I don’t know if it’s true or not. I won’t know until I move on from this life, but it feels right, it feels good, and it doesn’t do any harm to think about, so I will continue to explore.

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